Mean Machine (Cinema: January 2002)

Mean Machine is a film doomed from the off. A star who can't act in a sports film rehash of an old Burt Reynolds gem. That the producers swap slightly more celluloid friendly American football for PROPER football (I refuse to call it soccer because the Yank's are too dumb to deal with seperate games with similar names) is like dropping an anchor through the ship's hull before it even sets sail. Think Escape to Victory, those mind numbingly boring non-league matches, Middlesborough FC, etc. The original film carried off the impossible feat of making sports scenes exhilirating with some classy editing & a lot of violence perpetuated by over-zealous gladiators. How Jones et al expected to duplicate this with 20 men and two goalkeepers in shorts & stockings chasing a pig's bladder is beyond me.

The Lock Stock crew/production-style ensures the much needed shot of adrenaline but instead of the gritty, rain-soaked, bloody showdown we expect you get two Sunday League teams on their best behaviour during a sunny summer day. The higlights are the incredibly miscast Jason Statham's maniacal fantasies but these merely frustrate what little action there is & leave you wondering why the film didn't go all out for the black, comic ultra violence Sky Sports so naively omits. There are countless lowlights - the poorly filmed action sequences, boring commentary, distinct lack of passion and amateur crowd scenes.

The fallen from grace England captain backstory is unbelievable while Wandsworth prison appears to be the most undercrowded in England. There are a few exceptions, a handful of good stereotypical performances, some witty moments & even a little sentimentality but overall the entire production is starved of ambition, nourishment & real energy and you get the feeling there are too many favours & not enough thought put into the project. The final print also seems to have been heavily cut to trim it down to a respectable rabbit punch.

Mean Machine is what you might expect from a Vinny Jones vehicle: a mediocre B-movie affair, stilted by lack of investment with not exactly Shakespearian performances. Sure, it means well and even manages to blow a few negative preconceptions out of the water (Jones in particular displays an unexpected talent) & successfully taps into the whole Brit revival/Italian Job thing but on the whole Mean Machine is an enjoyable disappointment.

RATING:

(c)Limer 2002